Review - Nintendo Energy Drinks
So while out on a visit to my not-so-local emporium of hideously expensive imported foodstuffs, I stumbled upon something very interesting indeed. It was, as the more intelligent of you could probably tell from the title and pictures, a couple of delightful looking Nintendo themed energy beverages. We’ve got two here, Mario’s ‘Power up!’ and Donkey Kong’s ‘Jungle Juice’. Slightly disconcertingly there appears to be no indication as to the flavour of either drink, or any meaningful information at all to be honest. What we are given is a ‘not intended for children’ notification (Which is rather ironic considering the big colourful Nintendo pictures), and the official Nintendo seal of quality, reassuring me that these drinks went through the same rigorous certification process as ‘Chubby Cherub’ and ‘Where’s Waldo: the video game’. Alright, let’s start with Mario…
Well, the drink pours a clearish pink colour, which I would have thought would be red, y’know, like Mario, but I guess it kind of makes sense. I mean the colour of the mushrooms with which Mario ‘Powers up’ are red and white. Red and white makes pink, right? Right….? Anyway it’s got a pretty ok raspberry taste, nothing special for a soft drink but fairly decent as far as taurine/caffeine infested abominations go. Recalling my wine-tasting tutorials, I can determine that the beverage has a fairly decent ‘mouthfeel’, though it has the same kind-of-rough back end that you’d expect from an energy drink. What little aroma I could get didn’t evoke any memories of Super Mario – instead it just reminded me that I was consuming another red bull knock-off. It’s alright. As far as the energy content goes, I guess I did feel a little refreshed; but not to the extent that I wanted to run around jumping on people or anything like that (A trait that I feel was insinuated by the graphic on the can).
Never one to be outdone by the plumber, DK has also entered the fray with his own drink to rival Mario’s effort; ‘Jungle Juice’. I rather prefer the can design for this one, as it looks as though Donkey Kong himself is rather bemused as to why he’s being used as an advertising mechanic for an overpriced energy drink.
Upon pouring the contents of the can, we’re presented with a rather nice green coloured fluid – presumably said ‘Jungle Juice’. The green is certainly what you’d expect from a juice claiming to have originated from, or at least had some relevance to the jungle. So after tasting some, I’m getting a pretty ok raspberry taste, nothing special for as soft drink but fairly decent as far as… Hang on, I’m getting déjà vu. Yes, that’s right. It’s exactly the same as the Mario drink. Now, while it’s definitely a problem that these two separate drinks taste exactly the same, my biggest gripe is probably with the flavour. Now, if someone were to offer you a jungle-themed beverage, what kinds of fruit would you expect to be contained within? Banana probably, perhaps some mango or pineapple. I’d bet my life that it certainly wouldn’t be freaking raspberry. In fact, this is a Donkey Kong themed drink, so there’s even more reason for it to be banana flavoured. I’m really baffled about this, I mean they obviously went to the trouble to make it green, but they couldn’t change the flavour? God damnnit Nintendo, slacking off again are we? It’s excite truck all over again.
Well, that’s about all there is to it. Nintendo energy drinks are alright, but a lack of effort on Mr. Kong’s part has dragged them both down a notch. For shame! Now I just have to decide what to do with these drinks…
It’s like Smash Bros Brawl, only with alcohol! This coincidently is also the only way to make that game tolerable. OHHHH BURN!
The good: Tastes alright, nice can designs, appropriate colours
The bad: little ‘energy’ to be found within, rough back-end, raspberry flavour jungle drink?! What the hell Donkey Kong?!
Nintendo Energy Drinks get 2.5/5 goblins
Review - Zeno Clash (PC)
Going into Zeno Clash was a strange experience, since I found adjusting my expectations to a suitable level for an indie-developed game like this pretty hard. I mean, given the fact that this is a low priced independently developed game, one would usually be forced to not expect anything that compares to a full retail product… This usual rationality was robbed from me however, when I began to notice the fantastic looking pre-release screenshots and gameplay videos. I couldn’t help but get excited, this thing looked totally awesome. Unfortunately, high expectations have a horrible habit of biting you on the arse, so I bucked up and forced myself to approach this one with a bit of caution.
The game’s story is a pretty strange one. You take the role of Ghat, one of the many children of the freaky hermaphrodite creature called Father Mother. The game begins with Ghat on the run from his family, having apparently just killed his parent. You and your buddy/girlfriend/something (really, this isn’t explained at all) Deadra, set off to escape from your brothers and sisters, getting into all sorts of scrapes along the way. The story isn’t really that compelling and is actually quite throwaway, since the real star of the show here is the world in which Zeno Clash takes place. The atmosphere and overall design of the setting and its inhabitants is simply astonishing. Colourful yet disturbing, it really is unique to everything else out there at the moment.
You’ll spend most of your time in Zeno Clash brawling with all manner of strange creatures, which plays out in a sort of double-dragon/streets of rage style with every enemy having their own name and health bar. Punching guys in the face is really visceral and immensely satisfying. You’re given a few combos to play with, along with some throws and counter attacks that all feel pretty good. While you’re only ever really pulling off the same 4 or 5 moves over and over, it manages to stay fresh for pretty much the whole game. Who would have thought that smashing a deformed mutant chicken-man in the face could feel so good?! While you’ll have to fight the same enemies several times over the course of the game, it’s forgivable given how satisfying the fisticuffs really are. Sadly the same can’t be said about the gunplay, which is kind of poor. You’ll get your hands on quite a few firearms, however none of them really feel particularly powerful or satisfying to use, since it’ll usually take somewhere between five and ten shots to take down a single enemy. Given the slow rate of fire, long reload times which are interrupted upon taking any hits, and the fact that there’s very little feedback given when you shoot these weapons, they really seem like a pointless inclusion. The only time I felt that the inclusion of guns actually enhanced the experience was during a truly awesome boss battle against a bounty hunter riding a 50-story elephant/dinosaur thing, throwing exploding squirrels at me. I kid you not.
The most striking thing about Zeno Clash is without a doubt its art direction. Developers ACE have really put a lot of imagination into making the game world. Throughout the game I was pretty frequently awe-struck by this incredible universe that’d been crafted, and the creatures inhabiting it. The game’s art style actually reminds me a lot of the Oddworld series (Of which the first two games are among my favourites of all time, would you believe), so needless to say, it’s definitely the game’s strongest asset. It’s kind of a shame that the story wasn’t as inspired as the world in which it takes place. In spite of the narrative not being fantastic, I did find that I wanted to see the game through to the end, but it was more to see what kind of crazy locale or character would be thrown my way next, rather than any gameplay or plot developments. Technically, the game looks like what you’d expect from the source engine. For a so-called ‘indie game’ it looks great, but don’t expect it to compare with other recent first person shooters.
Unfortunately there are also quite a few problems with the gameplay in Zeno Clash that really make it seem kind of unpolished at points. As long as you’re fighting one-on-one with your opponents everything is usually hunky-dory, but the moment you’re fighting multiple opponents, another far more dangerous foe becomes present; the dodgy lock-on system. In theory it should be possible to cycle targeting enemies by pressing a single key; however it tends to get confused and just freak out the camera when trying to use it. Sometimes you’ll also need to pick up a weapon that you’ve dropped mid-fight; however for some incomprehensible reason picking an item up is mapped to the same key as the lock-on, which really creates problems. It also seems that some of the larger boss characters can’t be locked on to, which can be the cause for some major frustration when trying to block or dodge their attacks. Most of these fights simply resulted in me running backward to charge the power punch, hitting them, and then running back again. There’s also some weirdness in the fighting, such as attacks going through or causing no damage to enemies at certain times. Some of these issues can really get annoying and slow down the space of a battle.
For better or worse, Zeno clash is definitely fifteen pounds (or twenty dollars) worth of game. The ‘game part of the game’ is definitely pretty rough around the edges, and it isn’t particularly lengthy. The main story wraps up in around only 4 hours; however a tower survival mode and achievements may offer some incentive to extend your play time a bit. The centrepiece here is without a doubt the art style – if you’re at all interested in seeing some of the most weird and wonderful worlds ever seen in a video game, this is certainly worth your money… just don’t set your expectations for the gameplay too high.
The good: Absolutely sublime artistic design, Punching dudes is visceral and satisfying, A couple of really awesome set-pieces
The bad: Story is weak, Gunplay is pretty awful, Fighting is rough around the edges
Zeno Clash gets 3/5 goblins
Gamesgoblin Plays… Jurassic Park (SNES)
Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark… And as it turns out, so is the game! Feast upon my incomprehensible mutterings and musings as I adventure into this Super Nintendo ‘classic’.
Review - Halo Wars (XBOX360)
The concept of taking Bungee’s super-popular shooter series and turning it into an RTS seems about as ill-fitting as Westwood making a command and conquer FPS. Oh shit, wait… So anyway, now that John-117’s incomprehensible adventure has come to an end, (If the ending to the third game is to be believed – I don’t think it is) the next chapter in the story-driven powerhouse that is the Halo series is Halo Wars, a real time strategy game developed by those crazy cats over at Ensemble Studios. If you’re not in the know, these are the gents who made that game about the empires of the ages. What makes Halo Wars so important is that it’s the last game developed by Ensemble before they disbanded, making it the company’s swansong of sorts. This, coupled with the fact that it’s a Halo game put some pretty mean expectations on it, and while Halo Wars doesn’t totally live up to its proud lineage, it’s still a pretty good game in its own right.
Halo wars takes place 20 years prior to the events of the first Halo game, so you won’t be seeing Master Chief or Cortana anywhere in the game. The game instead revolves around an ensemble of cookie-cutter army archetypes on a big space station called ‘The spirit of fire’. The merry little troupe consists of the tough-as-nails bald army dude, the sarcastic computer AI, the hot but stubborn scientist lady who’ll inevitably get captured, and of course the gruff old commander. The Covenant characters are much more interesting, however you won’t see nearly as much as them since the entire single-player campaign is played from the perspective of the UNSC – which is sort of disappointing. While the Hierarchy are playable in the multiplayer and skirmish modes, you’re never really broken into them like you are with the UNSC, making the leanings of their faction kind of arduous.
The game’s story sees the cliché Spirit of Fire super-team sent on an investigation mission which, shock of horrors, unearths an ancient evil which must be defeated throughout a 15-mission campaign. The story mostly develops through between-mission cutscenes, and some banter during the missions. While this is pretty much what you’d expect from an RTS game, it’s important to state how gorgeous the cutscenes are. I’m not kidding, those things look really spectacular, rivalling some of the best-looking CG movies I’ve ever seen – you can tell a lot of effort went into making them. Unfortunately the story itself isn’t quite as impressive, and is really just a setup to have you fighting on several different worlds/environments. That said, there is a good amount of verity to be had in the mission types you’re given. The missions themselves are kind-of-brief, which some people have been lauding as a criticism, though considering the fast paced nature of the Halo series, I found it helped keep things moving and prevented me from getting bored (As I have done with so many other recent RTS releases). The only downside to this is that the single-player experience is over way too quickly – so it really is a shame you don’t get to play as the covenant.
The gameplay options given to you in Halo Wars aren’t at all different to anything you’ve come to expect from the genre, with the typical base building and unit orders. What makes Halo Wars excel however is that it feels like a game that was made with the use of the 360 controller in mind, unlike other RTS games released for the console that you can tell were developed with the intention for the user to have a mouse/keyboard setup. While hardcore genre fans might shun the game for its simplicity and low amount of micromanagement/customisation/whatever, it serves as a great entry point for newcomers, which (considering the majority of Halo’s fan base) is likely a positive thing. Halo Wars also feels just suited to being a console game – for example one of the game’s ‘hero units’, the Arbiter, as an ability that allows the player to take direct control over him for a short period of time. Its touches like this, along with a great interface and simple that make this one the most accessible console RTS games I’ve ever played.
Unlike most modern RTS releases that have three playable factions, Halo Wars only has two; the UNSC and the Covenant. The flood do indeed make an appearance, though they’re relegated to simply being an antagonist in the campaign and neutral units in skirmishes. I don’t really think this is a bad thing to be honest, since the flood kind of suck balls. That’s my opinion anyway… The opinion that it’s a fact. Having only two factions that play similarly to one another may lead to the assumption that there’s a lack of verity in the game, and from one perspective this is somewhat true, though this makes the game super easy to just pick up and play, and also keeps the whole thing pretty well balanced. Since there’s a limited amount of structures that you can build onto each base, and units that all seem to have some advantageous and disadvantageous aspects to them, there never really feels like there one ‘right way’ of playing the game in skirmishes, which is a problem I often have with the genre. Oh yeah, and the game looks and sounds really nice, with a musical score that’ll totally make you feel like you’re playing a halo game.
Halo Wars borrows a lot of its interface stuff from Halo 3 – and just like Halo 3 is features a pretty heavy online component. As well as being able to play the entire game in co-op mode, you’re also given the standard RTS competitive modes that you’d expect like, though there are only about a dozen maps in the game which kind of limits its replayability. There’s pretty nice ranking system that works just like it did in Halo 3, which makes playing online a bit more addictive if you’re stuck on getting. It’s a shame that the game really could use a few more maps and modes, because it’s doubtful that we’ll see anymore, what with Ensemble closing their doors. This really does suck the big one, since what’s already here is great, but like the single player it may all be over pretty quickly…
While Halo Wars isn’t the best RTS ever made, it is probably the most accessible. If you’re only casually interested in RTS games, or are just a fan of the Halo series, this game is well worth taking a look at. The bite-sized nature of the campaign and general pacing of the battles make it a breath of fresh air in a slightly musty genre. While Halo Wars doesn’t bring an awful lot to the table, what it does bring is pretty appetizing.
The good: Super accessible RTS gameplay that’s fast-paced and fun, looks and sounds great (especially those cutscenes!), tight single-player campaign, solid multiplayer
The bad:The campaign’s story and characters are sort-of-bad, single player is over too quickly, may be a bit too simplistic for fans of the genre, not much content
Halo Wars gets 4/5 goblins
Capcom’s secret revealed…
So having downloaded the trailer for Capcom’s “top secret game”(Kudos to them on building suspense, you’re forced to wait for the 450mb download to finish before you even know what it is), it turns out to be none other than a sequel to Lost Planet; a game that I hadn’t actually tried until recently. I didn’t think the original was anything too amazing, but it was decent - and I guess you can’t ever get too much of a good thing. Capcom just better say what their trailers are before I download them in future, before I get my hopes up for a Little Nemo sequel again.
